In My Arms, by Plumb
Beautiful song, peaceful….when I listen, I think about my daughter, and about how I was always so afraid for her….and wanted to keep her safe. With nearly 1000 miles between us now, I just miss her and keep her in my prayers and hope she is not afraid.
Another thing, as so often happens….I think about Jesus singing to us, His children, and how much it means to Him to KEEP US in His arms. God is so good.
The other day I was thinking about things I would say if I only had a few hours left…and who I would want most to say them to. Then I thought, ‘why wait’? We live in the future sometimes while the present slips into stacks of yesterdays….I don’t want the people I love to wonder how much they mean to me. And I don’t want to wait til I’m on my death bed to tell them…so how do we show them how much we love them? Too many times we let them down the most….whether intentional or circumstantial….and sometimes we don’t get ‘tomorrow’ to make things right or take back a bitter word or say ‘I’m sorry, forgive me’ ….
You know, being a mom has been the BEST part of my journey so far! Yes, there have been many tears and just as many fears, and we have had our differences for all of our similarities….and thru it all, we are still talking and walking and learning and loving. I’ve always said, there is a special relationship-unlike ANY OTHER-between mothers and daughters. I’ve had the awesome priveledge of growing up within a close family, with strong intelligent women all around me. My grandmother, my mother, aunts, sisters…and only child and daughter, Sky..who has taught me more than all. Not so much in ‘life’s little lessons’ that we can categorize….I’m talking about how she teaches me to love, how to push thru fear, how to laugh out loud in a quiet crowd.. From the begininning of it all there were fears on top of fears and still I wanted to love her, and protect her, and see her smile. I never wanted to be a ‘Mary Poppins’ or Julie Andrews from Sound of Music….I just wanted the baby God was giving me and I wanted to be a good mother. Wow…was I in for some crash courses with crash landings…lol….we laugh and say she gave me my gray hair…but you know, I just remember a lot of good times, and fun days, and silly stuff she would pull…..like the time she brought me the switch she had broken off (for her spanking)…and looked up at me and said, so sweetly, ‘mom, I already spanked myself so you don’t have to do it now…” well, of course, what could I do?? lol….and people would say I was letting her run all over me, and I would say, “well I am learning to pick my battles with her”…truthfully I just never wanted to have to be the ‘dad’ and do the discipline stuff, but I had too, and so I had to learn….
I’m sorry, Sky, for the times I was less than nice. I could give you all the reasons why, and how we sometimes do wrong trying to do right….but the important thing for you to know is how much you meant to me, and how much I wanted to protect you. One day you will say, “yea I get it now”, just like I still remember memaw saying, “once you have that baby you will never sleep the same again”..lol…worry just comes with the territory I guess. Thing is I wish I could go back and not be so afraid….because it kept me from being there more for you, in the ways you needed the most. It was like I kept you at arm’s length…why??? because I was afraid of losing you. Thats madness, right?!?
The other thing I want to say to you right now is this: I am SOOO PROUD OF YOU, and of how super neat you are!! Smart….beautiful…..funny…..strong…..independent. And you talk to God. And you walk to your own rythm. I just want you to know how I feel, and how much I love you, and how much I ALWAYS WANTED YOU. Your mom.
There’s nothing like the love of a child
to make us want to pull the walls down
that we tried so hard to build up….
when you can’t breathe bc you’re so afraid
of the fear that they’ll go away
or get hurt
and so the thousand mothers hide the tears they cry and stand in the emptiness for the love that is dying to be free
the love between you and me,
my sky girl, my child, my gift my friend my love and me.
and so we keep breaking thru
when we can’t break down
and watch as our feet find higher ground
child, mother, woman and friend, it is time to be
time to stand, surrender, and lend our hands to love
love while you can, while the day is still to day
cry when they cry, and laugh til they laugh harder
Edie Brickel was a favorite when I was in college….when I found this video I thought about how life seems to go in circles, especially amongst mothers and daughters, and so this is a dedication for anyone who has ever grown up in the big world of a small town…..as a child, as a mother…..