Feb 142009
 

Ever have one of those times when you see yourself in a way that’s not quite you?  Do you really know who you are how good how bad how real…..I looked back on my life again this morning and saw a stupid girl playing the actress she wanted to be when she grew up….not realizing her whole life has been center stage always to the left…..and suddenly nothing was make believe anymore, and my feet felt like a strangers and I prayed for the curtain to fall……………

You know how  you  get to the other side of something and say “wow I  did it!  I made it thru the battle and all is well now.” Thank goodness for those times along the way….  Otherwise hope would be in a coma and nurses would be tripping over electrical cords from too many on life support….

But sometimes I’m just angry, and so disappointed in this world in this life in this girl….and tornadoes spin in my head as icy words cut thru well-preserved relics of younger days and easier ways and mercy how the battles rage.  I’m so tired.  All around me are little notes of little things to do to hold up the big things and boy I need more super glue…..cause things break and things fall down and I’m tripping over my dirty wedding gown.

Forgive ??  What ??  What is that, to live forgiven, to not be shackled by anger and bitterness and memories that twist your gut and fear that rips you in half as one half says go and the other can’t move.   And He said Grow up now, and live REAL and trust me to still be here.

It’s like arranging flowers in a certain way as you take each one and carefully place it in the vase….and then the next and so on and so forth….patiently at first with soft fluid motions and precision at your fingertips….and then a thought like an interuption flashes across the screen, and solving the issue becomes a barge on a tiny stream…..

then petals and leaves fly as your hands like little blenders dive into the creation, smashing glass and throwing stems in all direction……distraction reaction hit cruise and call in damage control…..mercy let it rain before the thunder starts to roll………………..~M